The redeeming feature of Kaliningrad, like so many places in Russia, is that there’s no shortage of women. Help yourself. Take two.

If you’re shaven-headed and shorted, girls will flock on to your arm like falcons. If you’re naturally bald and trousered, just pretend you have money. There’s many a young dyev ready to play ’sugar dads and baby dolls’.

The advantage of having two dyevs should be obvious from this picture. You can have one of each of the two, state-controlled rinse jobs: CIS Blonde and CIS Red.