Why Don’t Russian Men Marry Russian Women?
Why Don’t Russian Men Marry Russian Women?
Astonishing, isn’t it. There are thousands of beautiful Russian Women on the Internet. And all of them seemingly abandoned, left on the shelf.
The explanation is largely cultural. Most of us are attracted to Russian Women by their sexy, foreign accent. But if you already speak Russian, as most Russian Men do, the girls don’t sound at all foreign or sexy.
Another limiting factor is that the kind of women Russian Men date are usually already married to someone else.
Also, we must consider Russian demographics. There are far more men in Russia than women. I know this statistic is usually presented the other way around, but it is erroneous.
You will notice that in any sporting contests, - like the Olympic shot-put or weight-lifting - the Russian Women’s team regularly fails sex tests. It is also quite obvious to any casual traveller in Russia that all the women you see mending roads and driving trains are in fact men.
It is a complex subject and I will return to it later.
Back to Soviet Women FAQ’s Index
Electra, you are a sweetheart for caring. I am win - win, I say. I feel so much like the power has changed. I actually am accepting of ‘I can go’. Well I signed the lease in my name and told her to go.
Actually, what I did was pay all the bills with the monthly pay and send an email saying ‘you have X for the next two weeks, then I will give you X again; do what you want with all your other money… I dont want to know NOTHING about it’
I remember early in our marriage she told me about how crazy and changeable and unreasonable Russian women can be. She said ‘If I am ever like that, just grab me, and hug me tight and tell me stop being stupid’.
So… one day, into the marriage about three years, I bravely did that; Electra, the voice that came out of her mouth and the look in her eye was Satan himself… as she said ‘DONT TOUCH ME’. I was completely shaken… I am telling you, it was Satan in a hoarse, low woman’s voice, and I was scared… I could only blurt out… but you told me do that that… and you are being stupid right now…. then I ran out of the apartment
Actually, Electra, for the first five year of our marriage I knew where the park benches were at every place (Russian friend) she visisted; because it was 50/50 that we could have a fight and I would run away and sleep on the bench in the street… it happened so often
I remember one time it got so bad, I ran away, but Vanya (who was about 7 at the time) ran with me… I explained that it was bad luck (as we walked through the park) we did not have our passports; I had a credit card and we should just catch a plane from Austrlia to Las Vegas and forget about women… instead I bought a bottle of whiskey and drank it and passed out on the grass in the park about 2 kilometers from the house; I awoke about 3 in the AM, and 7 year old Vanya was laying on top of me… it had got cold, and I had no coat, and it was cold, so he just lay on me to keep me warm… so at 3 am, with my tail between my legs I (and Vanya) went back to the house, to the witch…
Electra, I have spent so many nights on the benches of the streets… I even did it from time to time in Odessa… when the police find me at 4 am, they are very confused… being an English speaker asleep, like a hobo on an Odessa park bench….
as I said… I have 1000s of stories…. most them me being no strong I guess.
… oh, oh email just back from wifey… you remember how I said Russian women do the tricky ‘ask a question’ she SAYS ‘how can I show DISRESPECT to you, if I always only have huge respect to you?’
ha ha ha ha…. completely ignoring the facts, and asking a question in retort… instead of answering… ha ha ha ha. I have not won this battle yet. I only counter with my western straightforwardness… “I consider you telling me how bad I am and how much I have not done for you = disrespect. I consider you complaining that I work 9 hours a day = disrespect.”
Looks like it may be the freedom for me… instead of wife training. Maybe she got excited with the fact that her salary (I actually have my work split my salary and send some to her) and her rental income and her at home business income would all be hers for goodies.
I dont know. Now she just wants to explain her bad behaviour with ‘how can you say it is bad… I only love you and respect you’ Wow… Russian woman love and respect is kind of weird.
@ daniel
seems to me that your Wife wants out of the marriage but also wants some face saving reason - hence the provocations
been really interesting reading this post thread as I have on-line dated many Russian women
one thing i suspect though is that maybe Russian women would like their men to pay attention to personal deportment issues, sharp haircut , mod clothes etc , sort of metro-sexual orientated qualities
Just something to explore, but i stand corrected by others more knowledgeable
regards VB, burp , ‘woods 4 ever
Thanks Gregory… oh you remind me of my shopping trips with her when I need to explain to her over and over… I cant wear that I am not gay. One of the chapters in my book is title ‘I am Ken’. You know Ken from Barbie. Man my wife likes to dress me up - in GAY MEN’S clothes.
Well, the emails fizzled out. I am going home now, with no resolution. She just retorted after all this… NO HUSBAND, it is YOU that are DISREPECTFUL. So I just wrote back…
What an interesting dilemma. You are sure your behaviour to me is respectful. And yet I feel DISRESPECTED. How can that be?
I am already tired from these emails. I was clear. I put forth factual information. You then say ‘no husband, I show you respect, but husbaned, you show ME disrespect’. My oh my. My oh my.
I think there is no future for us. If you believe you currently treat me as a respected husband, then I do not want you as a wife. The way you talk to me is TERRIBLE. The way you go AGAINST my authority is TERRIBLE.
I will not have a wife who talks to me terribly and pouts like a two year old and gives me no authority. I am tired of being a husband and father with no authority and no respect given to me. I will not have it from my wife and I will not have it from my son.
Zhenya, I am sorry you feel disrespected from my actions and my words. Again, your words show how you think badly of me. You think I am a bad husband. Again, there is no future for us. If you are correct, and I am very bad to you… then there is no future. If you are not correct, but you still THINK I am very bad for you, then there is no future.
No matter how you look at it… there is no future.
I will bring $200 for you and Vanya to have food for the next 15 days (with the $200 in the credit card). In 15 days I will give you another $400. I will keep doing that until you leave.
Daniel, my father used to have one stock phrase when my mother started ‘revving’ up. Calmly he would say, “Zhenya, you’re being irrational…’ that was right before he was hit in the head with a flying plate or knife or whatever came to hand. About the sleeping on park benches? He just stayed OUT of the bedroom. But I must say, in his shortened life, he gave as good as he got. He was many times unfaithful to my mother after realising just what kind of a monster she could be. To give her her due, she was never once unfaithful to him.. just murderous. But the bottom line, she long outlived him. He became ill (heart attacks and strokes) in his late 50’s and she went on and on and on, like a Timex watch.. just kept ticking.
From some of the things you describe, it seems you have a great need to be needed and wanted and useful and, thus, open to abuse. Perhaps you can wean yourself, for your health’s sake, from that over-giving part of your nature. For your health’s sake. Yet, at the same time.. my friend.. I can see, with a publisher’s eye, that you’ve got a story.. a coupla good stories that a number of men around the world would like to read. So.. write the book: ‘The Guide to Life with a Russian Wife”. you can add or subtract other words to that title, like ‘The DumB Guy’s Guide… ‘ etc… You really do have a timely and current story and i believe, from the number of your posts and their articulation, that you like to write… so go forth.. your pen is your sword!!!
PS Daniel.. re your son following you out to the park bench exclusion zone… be careful the effect your wife’s temper will have on your child, because believe me, he may appear calm, but it is effecting him. My mother’s ‘dinner time’ tantrums, every single night of my young life, left me with a post-traumatic-stress type syndrome for YEARS where I could not sit down to eat dinner with ANYONE at all. It took me years to overcome the sense of anxiety at a dinner table. And her demands that all of her daughters be rail thin enough to go into modeling when we were 15-16 years of age, gave me and my 2 sisters eating disorders in our teens. These women are NOT harmless. You can love them. You can understand that they too are somewhere along the line ‘traumatised’ (why else would they behave that way?) and you can care about them, but you must, somehow, keep them from damaging your (and their) kid(s). I met a therapist while my mother was on hospice, who gave me bereavement counseling in preparation for her death. We always ended up talking about her behavior when she was younger and VERY MUCH ALIVE!! He said to me, ‘it looks like your mother used her own children as her personal ‘Greek Theatre’.” And yes, as I think on it… she kinda did. Protect your son if you can.
Electra, I am a little interested in your dad. If he had some side ‘friends’ why did he stay with your mum. If I had a side friend I would leave. You should tell more about your dad.
I cannot have a side friend because I could not do that to my marriage. And my down friend would not work with my side friend… as he feels really guilty. Actually, my down friend is always relaxed and happy with the wife. With the first (Aussie) wife and with the prev Russian finance (that is another story….) my down friend was not so happy many times. But with current wife he is always happy!
greetings Daniel, greetings all other post thread repliers
re Daniel your comment “”" Thanks Gregory… oh you remind me of my shopping trips with her when I need to explain to her over and over… I cant wear that I am not gay. One of the chapters in my book is title ‘I am Ken’. You know Ken from Barbie. Man my wife likes to dress me up - in GAY MEN’S clothes”"”"
my comment in response:
My understanding is that women universally dislike men being with them while shopping - as such Her persistent choice for you of a to extreme metro-sexual style of clothes , knowing your dislike , may have been a hint of Her displeasure of your presence (not to be taken personally - is just how women are motivated)
As such , while easy for me to say, I would advise in future do the shopping for yourself excluding her but involve her in the selection of general styles etc by spending an evening together browsing general circulation Mens lifestyle magazines and sharing views of noted styles
You have made quite a few quality “compatriots of romance” on this post - i am happy to have anything i might suggest be peer reviewed
regards Gregory
riverina region
@ daniel re ” One of the chapters in my book is title ‘I am Ken’. You know Ken from Barbie.”"”
I suspect the analogy using barbie/ken imagery might be more pertinent to your plight than initially considered, in that maybe your Wife to the extent of seeming to aspire to conform to the image of a barbie (most desired of fashion dolls by the target owners) , may have desired you to be a “ken” , as defined by an implied standard
http://www.google.com.au/imgres?imgurl=http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-oYV3Gcou3b8/TVp81nBsIgI/AAAAAAAAAOA/8-uUl96DfWg/s400/barbie-and-ken.jpg&imgrefurl=http://morningmix1029.blogspot.com/2011/02/barbie-and-ken-together-at-lastagain.html&h=400&w=400&sz=47&tbnid=S-3weUwF1isguM:&tbnh=124&tbnw=124&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dbarbie%2Band%2Bken&zoom=1&q=barbie+and+ken&hl=en&usg=__6IvALe9G9TLcb6JR7Dyd8_-35zU=&sa=X&ei=TA5_TYKdDI6yvgPS-tHfBw&ved=0CC4Q9QEwAg
Gregory, my wife LOVES LOVES LOVES to have me shop with her. I am a bit of an expert now. But I am not gay.
Latest update: we have reconciled - and will try again… based on us agreeing to have a go (both sides) at this philosphy
http://www.torchleader.com/tl/2011/02/suspicious-of-suspicion-by-joy.html
Electra, I was chatting at work today about your mum. The question that came up: was YOUR RUSSIAN MUM the reason Howard Hughes became a recluse?
to daniel : i am so glad that you and your wife have found a possible way to reconcile your marriage
Your Russian bride’s acceptance of you in company while shopping is a surprise, maybe due to over-riding in-securities due to suddenly living in a foreign multicultural country
btw - my original phrase included “sort of” meaning inclined towards but more accurately meaning maybe more fashionable
Was made in reference to Russian women fixation on fashion
(not unique though in the west)that may be more extreme than the usual more casual aussie guys standards set for themselves
best regards from Gregory
Daniel, you’ve stopped me on a question, ‘if your dad had side friends why did he stay with your mum?’ many answers to that, as in, my father was a world-praised surgeon with a fabulous ‘bedside manner’. He had EVERY woman in the palm of his hand from nurse to socialite as far as I could see, and my mother was fighting them off regularly, but you must understand, she had been a somewhat famous model and even after 5 children weighed her 17-year old model weight of 112 lbs at 5′ 9″ tall, in other words, she was still physicallly stunning and absolutely beautiful even after my birth in her mid-40’s, and right up until she died actually. So as for leaving her? Why would he? Plus, she had taken to the glamour of charity balls and social enterprise like a fly to shit, so… really, she was the perfect wife, even if she left him cut and bruised every other night.
Daniel, you’ve stopped me on a question, ‘if your dad had side friends why did he stay with your mum?’ many answers to that, as in, my father was a world-praised surgeon with a fabulous ‘bedside manner’. He had EVERY woman in the palm of his hand from nurse to socialite as far as I could see, and my mother was fighting them off regularly, but you must understand, she had been a somewhat famous model and even after 5 children weighed her 17-year old model weight of 112 lbs at 5′ 9″ tall, in other words, she was still physicallly stunning and absolutely beautiful even after my birth in her mid-40’s, and right up until she died actually. So as for leaving her? Why would he? Plus, she had taken to the glamour of charity balls and social enterprise like a fly to shit, so… really, she was the perfect wife, even if she left him cut and bruised every other night - on a daily basis, she still ‘looked’ perfect.
Re SHOPPING: I spent my life as a child shopping. When my mother picked me up after Kindergarten at noon, we went to lunch at Saks and then shopping. Fashion was my mother’s religion and the House of Chanel her Cathedral. As I got older, we still went shopping, only she had to wait until I finished school at 3. My life was spent SHOPPING and every season I had a new wardrobe. A bit useless from a child’s point of view. To this day I HATE shopping and LOATHE dressing up. I look great when I’m scrubbed up, but as I said before, all of this intensive behaviour that these women display, traumatizes their children to some extent. But, I must also add, this ‘way of being’ of my mother’s makes me incredibly proud. She never, not one day of her life, no matter how old, or how ill she felt, left the house, or left her boudoir, without every hair in place and lipstick (’badge of courage’) on her lips. Her last request was to have her ashes sent into space in a Chanel lipstick case. You really can’t beat that.
Have you suggested counselling? This sounds more like Histrionic Personality Disorder than a national characteristic. Although mental stress is expressed in different ways in different cultures and HPD is a stereotypical format for women in some cultures. Ukranian may be one. I have met women in Russia who might behave like this but certainly not all.
An Aussie male interested in fashion may as well be called Bruce.
( and Cindy had more curves than Barbie)
well actually i was alluding to one being somewhat bogan (in context dawdy) relative to the probable standards aspired to by the subject partner
to Electra , re your reply to daniel “”" Daniel, you’ve stopped me on a question, ‘if your dad had side friends why did he stay with your mum?’ many answers to that, as in, my father was….. “”"”
my comment : how very topical ! , you noted some reasons, although mainly your Mother seemingly meeting the rarefied standards implied by the professional status of your Father, for him to stay with your emotionally incendiary Mother except one major possible additional reason:
“maybe he stayed with her because of you, baby cute Electra “
Wifey is like a newly wed again. I am really, really confused. But pretty happy. She did get some advise from her friends that maybe I ‘kicked her out’ because she complained about too many silly, unimportant things. That I am the man working hard and when I come home I dont want a speech about ‘there is something wrong with you husband, because you can eat pizza from the previous day cold’.
Anyway, since I told the wife I never wanted to see her money or include it in the family budget, suddenly her on line business has lept to life. About 3k in the last couple of days. Ha ha. Good for her.
She was sure the marriage was finished because I was quiet to her. And it meant I did not love her. I told her a zillion times ‘I love you, but THIS BEHAVIOUR means OUT’. That was interpreted as ‘I dont love you’.
You women are odd creatures.
Anyway, the agreement pretty much was ‘no rehashing the past in damaging the other’ That suits me, as it means she cannot speech on at me about this and that and this and that.
But honestly, the woman is aglow. I wonder how to keep that going. I have been instructed though that each day I must say ‘I love you’ and the sex has to be back at newlywed frequency. Can I complain?
So, there ya go.
Funny, but her girlfriends reminded her what I did 8 March 2010 (this year I kicked her out). Last year, her and the so were so, so much I just took $20 from my wallet, hopped on the train, went to Cronulla beach (near the airport) and simply sat on the sand for three days. I did not tell anyone. They had driven me nuts. So, when I came back three days later I needed to present myself to the police to close the missing persons case.
Ha, ha.
Electra, I dont know how many more years I have in me. I have had some friends mention that these episodes age me. It is probably true. But I do trust God and love Him, so I am planning that even if my departure is early due to ‘Russian women burnout’ the eternity will more than make up for it.
But, newlywed time is here. And it is plesant. How to keep it going. History says the big, big test is still coming… many tests. Can I be calm and stand up.
Electra, you must be such a high class lady.
Jenya, you are pretty cool with your first hand knowledge.
Gregory, you are a bit of a philospher… but I think you will learn heaps to verify or nullify your philosphies.
Lodger you are so straight-thinking. In Russian-Woman-Land it may not have a lot of use!
Sucker. (Sorry, but that’s what you are).
You’ll pay for this “fun.” And you know it. And you do it anyway. Kind of like the last line of the novel _The Thornbirds_. Some enjoy the setup leading to the inevitable pain. I did for quite a while. No more and now when I experience happiness I know it is not acquired under false pretenses of a conniving Russian. Oh well! I am sorry for you.
@ daniel - i notice that the movie “fiddler on the roof” is showing at this time on abc1 in sydney , maybe enlightening…
to daniel - cheer up !
the Husband Store (by unknown to me)
A store that sells new husbands has opened where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any Husband from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
‘That’s nice,’ she thinks , ‘but I want more.’
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With
Housework.
‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to select, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
well, so far so good; only one hiccup; wife had argument with 14 year old son; so she called me from the lounge room into the hall to help out; (step) son starts being a smart arse to me and talking over the top of me; so I raise my voice with ‘LISTEN, YOU, YOU ARE GOING TO STOP BACK TALKING RUBBISH…’
Wife hit the ceiling throwing stuff and screaming at me because I raised my voice to her son.
I think this is another Russian-Womanism. The son can do no, no wrong. I have always told my wife that she is proof that blood is thicker than water (son more important than husband).
But, such a small hiccup. We just kind of ignored it and all is still OK.
Funny, yesterday morning she was having breakky and her spoon was clinking, clinking away. You know she hates that sound. But it appears she only hates that sound if from people who are not her. But again, so minor, I just still use my plastic green spoon.
Also yesterday she made the nicest dinner, but I ate the vegies in the wrong order. So she told me what order I need to eat the vegies. She actually complained I was not eating the cucumber and tomatoe. I really do have a BAD personality when people tell me what to do. I was quiet, but proceeded to eat EVERY cucumber except ONE. And every tomatoe slice except one. Then I watched her. She actually ate none. So there was one of each left. So, I asked her: ‘you became angry at me for not starting with the cucumber and tomatoe, when I started with mushroom and potatoe; can you explain to me why you did not eat them when I ate all and left only one of each.’
She just said ‘oh, I did not have a mood to eat them.’
Now, she is great (aside from these stupid things). But can you image Russian-women-logic. She will complain and tell hubby what to do, but at the same time do the excat oppposite of what she is saying.
But, what I type is only the 2% bizarro-Russian-woman upbringing. As I said, she agreed that our reconciliation should be = ‘no beating each other up from the past.’ And that is great for me. As she has no ammo to beat me over the head with. If I can ignore the ‘cute, Russian-woman, caprises’ I should be fine.
And, never, never speak strongly to her son.
She honestly loves me. And I her. And she is a victim of her society. Any society that admires a criminal like Putin really is kind of screwed up… actually, on a note close to home, in her street in Odessa was a best house owned by a mafia guy. She and all her friends admired that he had the best house and provided so well for his family. And they all openly knew he was mafia (or ex-mafia and obtained his wealth from those activities). I openly countered my wife and her friends: ‘there is no way I can admire a man who made his money by killing other people and via drugs and prostitution’. My comment fell on deaf Russian-woman-ears. If you are a man and you have heaps of money and you give heaps of your heaps to your wife… then all sins are forgiven.
It is a sick society, isnt it.
oh, oh… not so good.
wife woke up Sunday in a ‘mood’ so started complaining all day about this and that; finally she brought out the ‘big guns’: started complaining I have to pay rent and I dont own a home… just it over and over and over…. so I said ‘ok, that is it… you agreed you would not do this same song and dance anymore (complaining about past stuff over and over); so I said once again ‘GET OUT, I wont have a wife who does this same crap all the time’
She called the police and complained about domestic violence. Well, I did not know that until I came back from the shop buying milk and they were there. I refused to talk to them and just walked out.
My (step)son, Vanya was in the room for the entire argument, so when I was leaving the house I heard him say ‘there was no domestic violence, I was here the entire time’
But I now see that I am in big, big trouble. I thought my command of ‘GET OUT’ would cause her to shut up and stop being such a bitch. Instead it made her call the police and lie to them about me.
Mind you, she has a friend from Ukraine who married a guy in Cairns. And the guy would complain to her when she spoke Russian saying ‘dont speak Russian around me’. He was a bit rude to say that. He was not a great guy. But the wife did call the police and charge him with domestic violence for saying he did not like to hear her speaking Russian. And the charge stuck. And the woman got her divorce and is able to stay in Australia on the government pension and house permanently.
So, I guess me saying ‘GET OUT’ can stick with me as domestic violence.
I dont think I like Russian women at all. They seem very cold and calculating.
Whatever the result; divorce!
I would re-wright the title of this thread by “Why Russian women outlive Russian men by 15 years?” It is real, life expectancy for men in Russia is 58. It says it all.
I would re-wright the title of this thread by “Why Russian women outlive Russian men by 15+ years?” It is real, life expectancy for men in Russia is 58. It says it all.
what you say i agree
i am Russian woman too, its Russian cultural!!
Russian woman when after 40 wish suck man!!! and now try to suck oversea country’s man, just rich country man,
if we show them little bit legs or naked body they become crazy and we can use him very easy, and try to he come over Russia use him more easy way,
i am sorry but we learn in Russian cultural!!
i read all but really don’t know what comment do!!
i read all but really don’t know what comment do!
It is over 10 years since Russian male life expectancy sank to 58. It is about 64 at the moment. There are various factors. The generation that had a childhood in the war was dying. Under such conditions males suffer more than females. There was the death of God (communism) and an economic slump which put many middle aged men out of work and sometimes onto the bottle. These factors are disappearing.
I wrote a letter to the NSW police and my wife asking for written apology for their actions; I looked up the law on domestic violence (which is assault); for non physical assault it means assault if the perpetrator has put FEAR into the other party
I guess by me telling my wife to ‘GET OUT’ she has become fearful
It is only a TWO YEAR prison sentence.
This is really, really bad. As you know I have no money… I just pay the rent, the bills and the past debt each month. But I was able to get tickets for a musical Dr Zhivago last Thursday. My wife liked it.
But on Sunday she started complaining I was limping as we walked to the theatre. My left leg is still completely black and blue from my torn hamstring. But (before the ‘you need to pay rent each month’ tantrum, she explained to me how embarrassed she will be if we ever go back to Odesssa and I am not walking properly in front of her girlfriends.
I am not walking properly because I destroyed my leg playing baseball with my son, Ivan. Instead of being yelled at, I should be praised.
Anyway, my next move is this: I will not reconcile without written apology from her. I have written my share of apologies for every Russian-Woman-Reason under the son. She can write an apology for once. But I also need the police to sight or agree they were completely out of line, as well. I dont like my chances of a quinella on this.
Finally, there is some chance she will be at home tonight. If so, I will walk out the door. Until apology comes in writing I know I am in danger if I am near her. She can pick up the phone. Luckily, I had her son witness to her story this time.
Oh, and 14 years old son stayed out until 2 am last night. Funny, before the fight we was complaining we were reconciled. He said ‘I like when you fight, as you take attention away from me and I can do what I like.
I just told him this AM, ‘Vanya, I cannot control you every minute and I dont want to; dude, if you stay out late again I am just going to calmly ring the police and say I am sorry, but I cannot control you, and you stay out all hours of the night as a 14 year old’
What a messed up household. It is what happens when there is NO RESPECT for the father and husband. Each person tries to become the dictator in the family. It is amazing. I work 9 hours a day to provide for them… and they complain and show no respect. I must be a really bad husband and father. I cannot even command respect in my own home. Terrible.
Sorry guys to bore you. But you are my only communication to the world.
Wow. I just came to this website to find out more about Russian fast food since I am writing a book about a trip my son and I took to Moscow to visit my sister before going on a trip to eastern Europe, and I find this terrible story.
What is so terrible about it is that I’m sure it has happened to my husband of 30+ years with our two sons. He is not a US citizen and he came to US for college and met and married me. He is 11 years older than I am and if anything is Buddhist and ascribes to Confucius and Shintoism. I have mostly a French Catholic heritage. I was crazy about him and we met and married quickly while in college. We both had not finished our degrees and quickly had our first child.
He worked and I worked until we finished our degrees, but mine was a practical one and I found a job right away, while his was more academic and he wasn’t able to find a job in his field.
My husband was very much alone in trying to maintain the traditional views he’d grown up attempting to provide a leadership role in our household because there was some early violence involved and distrust. I am standoffish because I cannot be so dependent on any man or woman that the futures of my children depends on the whims of a charismatic hocus-pocus. But, my husband says I am a fickle French woman.
I had been reading blogs about how wrong I am to be a feminist i.e. work long hours while my husband cares for our sons in this American culture. and how wrong it is for those of different religions and different ethnicities to marry. I thought our early love would transcend these fundamental differences.
I cannot divorce him, because we have sons who need a father and a caretaker. It is probably laziness on my part not to divorce him and arrange for our sons to see their father or provide alimony to him to raise the boys. I’m sure he could have been much happier if we’d never had children and he could leave easily without the endless argument and his complaints that I am disrespecting him.
Instead, then, my husband has become much more rigid and intolerable in interacting with our sons, and they have both been hospitalized in mental institutions. That’s not to say that there’s no madness in my heritage, but perhaps the endless stress of living with unhappy parents is not worth it to the children. That’s the terribleness of it. Passing the unhappiness to the next generation, without knowing the full benefit of the cultural differences of the parents.
In my culture, there are admirable families, as well as a hallmark of my husband’s culture…then, why can’t we be successful and happy blending our two admirable cultures?
I don’t know. I am a woman and have no idea of what men universally think. We only get one chance at living our lives, but I sure as well know that teen-agers need someone to care for them beyond their own troubles in a chaotic household. Even, too, we have photographic evidence of family times we enjoyed. My husband watches a popular staged self-help TV show in the US called Dr. Phil. Although I disagree with a majority of what is portrayed, there is one theme that runs throughout…would you rather be absolutely right, or happy?
I am forever grateful that my husband and I did decide early on our sons would have the advantage of parents who made sure their children had opportunities in other ways to excel. And, someday, when we can put our heads together about doing the best for each other and our sons all are more mature and taking anti-psychotic medications routinely, perhaps, we will understand where our minds meet.
Rina,
Been there. Done that. Except: it wasn’t a cross cultural marriage. I earned more than double my wife’s potential income - actually she was a full time housewife. But if one party always needs to be right (and was allowed to be for the sake of harmony) but is actually wrong there will be a trainwreck. Two mentally ill children because she couldn’t leave them alone. Stress will find the weak points. Then one day after 10 years of business in Russia and 18 years sleeping in a different room from my wife a Russian woman gave me her full attention. It changed my life although I remain married. Divorce is a stress my recovering children (they have left home) don’t need.
Thanks for Lodger’s reply.
In my case, I think it was important to me to finally come to realize in the depths of my being that I am not a selfish, stupid freakish monster, and to be able to say to myself that I will retain my integrity and show our sons their father was (if not currently) lovable and capable in some way, or at least force his hand in showing his reasons for being screwed up in his thinking that miserable behavior is acceptable.
If I read you correctly Rina, I think I currently represent your position. I mean, I am happy to allow my wife to have her moods and fits and bouts… I love her dearly. But she needs to say SORRY, I WAS WRONG.
That is all I expect. She can wrong me every day (she does not, it is not often, but when it comes, she is like a steam train running over me)… she can wrong me as long as she says ‘Sorry husband’.
So, in this case I am standing my ground until a written apology comes. Written so I have it to remind her it happened (the ’sorry’). One time I was stuck for a couple of days in Hong Kong with her (I think I told the story above) because she cried herself into a state where the airline would not let her on the plane. She was upset I did not buy her a cup of coffee in the hotel - so in her mind she felt cheated, humiliated, betrayed, foolish, etc.
After two days of crying so much she was vomiting she finally calmed down - with me explaining how we did not have coffee because we did not have time… not that I was being cheap. And she said ’sorry, maybe you were not trying to be so bad and evil to me.’
But when I reminded her some time ago of the ‘only time you ever said sorry’, she just said ‘NO, that is not true, I did not say sorry….’
And I had to quickly change the subject as her eyes were starting to relive the humiliation of ‘no coffee embarassment’.
So, Rina and Lodger, let us agree all humans can be wrong… but they must be able to say ’sorry, I was wrong’ and they cannot simply say their bad moments or behaviour are OK and acceptable and the damaged person must just ‘accept it as part of love’.
I hope I understood what you guys were saying.
oh oh, the wife has taken residence in the apartment when I was at work; so coming home on Friday I assumed the place was mine alone… but the wife has taken control; in the last week she managed to max out my credit card and withdraw all my savings (neither is much, bu I had just enough to cover the upcoming bills); so here I am… back at work at midnight… no money… no place to stay… wife has the money and the apartment; I left in one second when I saw she was there… cant have the police called out again….
hmmmm, what to do
reminds me when I was engaged to a Russian girl in St Petersburg; that girl was a 100% con; she said she wanted to get married but had all sorts of excuses… so I just told her.. I will come and live with you in St Pete until we can get married; I was with her six weeks; eventually she saw I was not going away, so one day she turfed me out… in the wee suburb of Gatchina; bad luck for me she took every bit of cash from my suitcase… can I complain… at least she let me have my clothes… so with no money and no Russian language, I managed my way on some bus from Gatchina to St Petersburg and found a hotel (I had a credit card); they were a bit confused (that was many years ago when you need a visa that stated all places you were travelling and staying); I just came in from the street around midnight and asked for a room… they were pretty confused; anyway my credit card got me back to Australia; but just another example of a Russian woman… is there ONE Russian woman on earth with morals
so I will sleep on the office floor tonight… I will get an hotel room tomorrow (once again I do have a credit card that is for emergency)… is this an emergency…
I guess I will hand wash the clothes I am wearing and be back at work on Monday
One day this is going to catch up on me… mind you, my first wife (the Aussie one) was 100 times worse than my current Russian wife; and the fiance in St Pete was just ‘training’ I think for me.
My problem is I am too kind to women; why do they require a guy to be a bastard to them to get respect… working 9 hours a day, giving all money to them, having no friends or time outside of them, and being kind to them… is not enough.
What the fuck do they want?
I am sorry about all of it. Courier New in a visual display of English in the comment box seems only a semblances of words but inadequate in providing essence of communication.
From this angle, it is difficult to say this is typical behavior of any woman, whether or not Russian. I knew only two Russian women personally in the US, one was my son’s piano teacher. She wasn’t married but had grown children. Her mother was Jewish and her father Catholic, so I think she was Jewish. The other woman was a PhD linguist working in the public library and to all appearances happily married with living standards i.e. her son took violin lessons from my son’s teacher, and her husband was a mathematician. Both were Jewish women. I am not Jewish, and sometimes inclined to form generalizations about others, but I could not ascribe the behavior described by Daniel to those belonging to a certain religious affiliation.
I have my differences with my long-time husband. When I was very young, and quite innocent, I spent a lot of time in my college career course studying with another (male) student, even while my son was young. And, I realize now my husband must have been extremely jealous, and probably rightfully so in that I spent so much time away from our family (my small son and my husband) memorizing, rote learning and studying in the presence of other people not considered family. On the other hand, there was absolutely NOTHING to be jealous about, but still I wasn’t there for him or our son, and my husband chose to take a malevolently dour view of my choice to be diligent about the studies.
So, I think this situation must be like another one in which I had the experience after I’d been working professionally for about 15 years, that I found myself working with an assistant, a woman who drove me absolutely nuts with her up-and-down drama queen behavior. As her supervisor, my interest should only have been that our job was done accurately, quickly, and with good value to the business.
This co-worker was engaging and had a quick mind, and we were done by quitting time, so it was good for business, and I considered her work acceptably much better than the previous dunderhead assistant.
I had an excellent work history before that and it seemed there was no one that I could at least not get along. I felt somewhat obligated to persist in finding out why I could not work well with someone. Now, that I know something about mental illness, I would say this woman quite clearly was bipolar. I had never worked with anyone (as the person in charge) who made me so quits so angry that I saw ‘red’.
I worked three night shifts weekly with this woman as my sole assistant, and she used the power of her words to jab, stab, twist into me and parry at every turn. I was recovering from serious illness and loathed the smell of heavy cooking odors and she’d fry bacon and she’d deliberately leave the microwave door open after she fixed her meal. She left disintegrating onions in the garbage near where I was working at the computer.
While I was concentrating on work, she’d come over and chat and complain that I was rudely not paying attention to her. When she worked in an adjacent work area she’d turn the radio on so loud that she couldn’t hear the phone to answer it. As my subordinate when she answered the phone, she’d insult me to the caller, like ‘you know Rina, she’s such a persnickety dickhead (so to speak) she’d make you do this, but it would be a lot easier and faster if you did such and such’.
She’d wear the thinnest polyester clothing (no uniform) and sandals to work and have to turn the heat up to 80 deg F because she was ‘cold’ even at the hottest part of summer. I had to wear my clothes and professional smock, and working night it was everything to keep my eyes open with the heat, and then when the day crew came in, she’d turn down the heat and say that I set the temperature to 55 deg F and complain that I was too fat and didn’t practice hygiene because of my body odor.
She’d insult others and then twist the talk to insult me without directly doing so. One time she took the fact that we agreed Bill Clinton’s behavior was disreputable, to mean that I should do the American thing and vote for Bush younger, and when I disagreed, and stated that his political opponent was more fit than he was, she likened my opposition to that of unpatriotic unamericanism especially since I didn’t believe in hell and I should be ashamed of myself as a boss with influence upholding a bloody hypocritical opinion.
As her ‘boss’, I was responsible to see that what she did was correct, but she’d not show me what she did to provide a finished product. When I saw her using the wrong tools tried to demonstrate the proper way to do things, and was told that I was changing my mind, picking on her, being too overbearing, or fussy, or worse yet, I was to blame and remiss because I hadn’t shown her from the beginning how to specifically in all circumstances do her job.
I felt sorry for her because early on during an innocent discussion she took it as my suggestion that she went out and contacted an agency to help her buy a house for her son and herself and she sold many items to finance this venture. I felt some concern that she had to have a consistent source of income, so I didn’t want to complain to my manager about working with her in case she was fired.
I transferred temporarily to another job so someone else could work with her. They seemed to have no problem and I transferred back and it was still the same old oblique insubordination. I began to document what she was doing to think about the situation rationally and finally, after showing off her attitude too plainly in the open, I asked my manager to intervene and mediate.
In that situation, my husband blamed me for somehow ‘leading her on’. However, in working with someone closely all the time, there was no way I could get away from her, or the heat, or the stink!
I sat down with a counselor and attempted to analyze where I was wrong and what I could do to make the situation better (as I felt obligated to make sure she had a job or at least no ‘firing’ on her record since she was ’smart’ enough and had a teen-age son who certainly did not need to have his mother ‘fired’.)
I never did understand her except to think she was mentally unhinged without a sense of loyalty in personal relations. She confided to me that she’d tried to hang herself twice and she’d been sexually abused by her grandfather, treated mercilessly by her mother and married at age 15 or 16. She had 180 degree mood swings; best friends one minute, planning her demise the next (and, I couldn’t really say that I didn’t want to get away from her).
So, it seems, how could a person appear so unhinged as if her only goal in life is providing every devilment to her professed husband? Counseling with a cooler head seems the best thing for trying to do the best for the boy involved.
Again, I am sorry about this saga that seems to be draining rational behavior, but it is my opinion (and only my opinion) that the wife’s behavior has nothing to do with being Russian, first.
Rina,
I just sacked my assistant with bipolar yesterday, after 7 months in which she started much but finished nothing and doubled the firm’s spending (there are five other people in the firm). I was ready to sack her after 4 months but, in my worst ever decision gave her another 3.
As far as Daniel is concerned, threats of prosecution for assault should be unacceptable no matter what. You can end up homeless and penniless - you are now apparently. You were drawing the line before. Continue to draw it. There are other women in the world. If your faith won’t let you divorce see a priest and a therapist quickly.
Hi Rina, weird story with you work… you even went to councelling to see what was wrong with YOU. ha ha, I consider the same… I must be a shit to get women to treat me so badly. Either I make them behave badly or I permit it.
After 12 hours on the office floor, wife has just sent an sms… ‘when will you be ready to talk’.
I responded… (the exact text below)… but, thanks to the lovely people here who support me… but for the women ones, if I ever married you, soon you would be destroying me… becasue I dont know how to stand up for myself… why do I need to stand up for myself in a loving relationship… dont you just do the best you can… and try to do even better… and doesnt the other person do that as well… or does there always need to be a TAKER in a relationship…
my sms back
I need an apology. That way I know you care about me. I will be very happy to say ‘it is ok, sweetheart’, if you can apologise.
I am hurt when you explain to me about not having enough money. And it is difficult all the little things you try to control. You even tell me what order to eat veggies. All these things together make me think you have no respect for me.
I dont really want to talk at all until you first apologise. If you mean ‘talk’ about splitting up. That is, you refuse to apologise and you want to divorce then I can talk now.
I really dont know what you mean by talk. But I will not accept a lecture from you about how lacking I am. It ain’t happening. The talk will be you apologise and we are fine because I love you. And I guess if you apologise then you love me. Or the talk can be about the details of the divorce. The choice is yours.
<>>
Do not think my wife and I crazy, but let me tell you two quick stories (the abridged version). About two years ago she was leaving me and had seen the authorities and done all the paperwork. And I was just about to go view an apartment for moving out (she did not know that I had an apartment lined up). But 1 hour before I am to view the apartment, she calls me out of the blue and says ’sorry’. Just a simple ’sorry, I was wrong’. No half sorry, no lecture, no you just misunderstood me, husband. Just a ’sorry, I was wrong’. I was just in tears and all was OK for me again - in my heart.
Later she told me she was sitting at home and a clear, audible voice came to her saying ‘what are you doing, he worships the very ground you walk on’. Just on hearing that, she ‘understood much’ and called and said ’sorry’.
Now my side…
In Odessa, many years ago, before we were married, one time we had a huge argument on the street; and she just burst into tears and ran off; I just stared blankly (the arguement was really my fault pushing and pushing a point not really worth pushing); so I stared blankly and saw her run off; I kind of could not move, or did not move, or did not know what to do… and I found it really hard to breath; and <> I suddenly felt myself going up, directly vertical, in the air; and I looked down and I saw the top of my head and all the street around me.. people walking and traffic and the trees… and me, in spirit, was actually going up pretty fast. Really, this really happened. And when I saw/felt this I suddenly did realise my life (Zhenya) was running away. So I somehow gulped in a breath of air, and I was back in my body.
Now, I was like some wild man running through the steets looking into each car and cab even as they were moving. It was pretty strange.
But Zhenya was gone. So I went back to my apartment - she was gone - and went to sleep. It was about 4 or 5 pm in autumn, so darkish. I assumed that was all, but I awoke about 2 am and thought about what happened. So I got a taxi to her townhouse… it is now 4 am, and the weather is not much above freezing. And I just sat on her doorstep. The old Russian lady in the adjoining house came out around 6 am to throw out water to the street. And just gave me a smile like ‘oh I see romance is forcing this man to act insane’.
Anyway, I was expecting Katya and Vanya to come out the door by 8 am for school, but they were very late and around 9 am the door opened. I just crawled into Zhenya’s bed, clothes and all (the kids went to school). So I explained all to Zhenya and said we must marry. (oh, for you who think it was a sex thing… there was no sex!!!) She was pretty happy to agree. Later when the kids came home, Katya was about 13 at the time, I said to Katya, ‘I love your mum and we are going to get married and then you will all come to Australia and we will live there as a family’. Katya was making tea and not even look up and simply said ‘yes, I know’. Like it was no news to her.
<>
She tried to start lecturing me… explaining how I was misunderstanding all and ‘this’ about me and ‘that’ about me… I just said ’stop, you apologise or you do not’, I will not have this lecture’; she said she is not lecturing she is only ‘explaining’; I told her to stop ‘explaining’
she has now apologised ‘at her words being misunderstood by me’ luckily for me, she, these seven days ago did say the same thing over and over and over… so even she remembers what she said…. and I said ‘any, any person hearing those words will think what I thought - that you complain about me not having enough money for you’
She agreed (kind of?); then she explained all the little control things are just how Russian woman show care; (I actually understand that a little - but I think it is some ‘%’ Russian woman care and some ‘%’ the wife trying to control for control sake)
Anyway, off I go back home. End of year baseball BBQ is on in three hours; and I gotta go since I was a coach and player and umpire across the year (doin all this with my 14 year, Ivan); so I am not really such a shit, am I?
I liked the apology better when God arranged it - the simple ’sorry, I was wrong’ is best.
the post got screwed up a little, I used a to put a note saying here is the result of her just, now phone call…
It is the part starting with…
She tried to start lecturing me…
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internet story
by Ali Osman on Monday, April 4, 2011 at 9:52 pm
Be hundreds, thousands of miles away from each other … I do not see or hear, do not receive letters … and suddenly heard the call … It is strange, unbelievable … to hear - and respond.
And the touch - not to the body and the soul … and stroke, and feel like you thaw out, as all that worried, it is so stupid and ridiculous, and realize that all this - not strange, but that is so necessary …
And do not tell, and did not explain to anyone. And should I? Who has not felt this, that does not understand how you can hear the other, as can be given to tenderness, but someone feels it and warmed to the merciless winds of the universe.
You know, my dear ALI, I find it hard to talk about these. For you it’s a painful subject for me unpleasant. I promise you this letter. Therefore, I write.
Hurt you. And you are in doubt.
You want to be sure that you do not make mistakes, if you refuse from these relations.
You want evidence that it is not important for you attitude.
You want to believe that the gap will not make another person suffer.
With your heart break off relations hardest. You rveshsya your heart. I can only feel it and I can tell you: “do it ALI» or “do not do it.”
Sorry, but you can not choose. You still need to come to do it. It would be wise to skip all the intermediate potential developments:
ALI, try to live, starting with the last paragraph. This gives you some time. Time for us - that’s life. Treat yourself to. Do not waste on empty.
About this person in the photo … it is difficult to talk about it without condemning it. She grabs the easy solution, sacrificing his soul, the souls of strangers … The picture is:
She took a lie as part of their lives and come to terms with ney.Ona hides it not because it spares your heart, but because so it is necessary for its purposes. It is cold and deceitful. There is no confusion, characteristic for the Slavic worldview. In this situation on her face should be embarrassed smile and a bit of guilt. Do not. She looks like a doll with a bad person. I would not have bought this doll for my children.
She manipulates you by means of rough techniques. She admits the idea that your actions are driven solely testosterone levels in your blood. She thinks bad about people. It behaves like a cheap hooker, showing breasts at the camera. It is not the legendary complexity and modesty Russian woman who will soon leave than humiliate a loved one. I’m not arrogant, but did not let her in his house.
Among my acquaintances there is a woman with a complicated and complex nature of fate. But among them there is no moral freaks. This lady in the photo can not get into my circle of acquaintances. I deleted all the photos from the memory of my computer and from my life.
some one send me wish shear with friends, need Translate!!!!
internet story
Be hundreds, thousands of miles away from each other … I do not see or hear, do not receive letters … and suddenly heard the call … It is strange, unbelievable … to hear - and respond.
And the touch - not to the body and the soul … and stroke, and feel like you thaw out, as all that worried, it is so stupid and ridiculous, and realize that all this - not strange, but that is so necessary …
And do not tell, and did not explain to anyone. And should I? Who has not felt this, that does not understand how you can hear the other, as can be given to tenderness, but someone feels it and warmed to the merciless winds of the universe.
You know, my dear ALI, I find it hard to talk about these. For you it’s a painful subject for me unpleasant. I promise you this letter. Therefore, I write.
Hurt you. And you are in doubt.
You want to be sure that you do not make mistakes, if you refuse from these relations.
You want evidence that it is not important for you attitude.
You want to believe that the gap will not make another person suffer.
With your heart break off relations hardest. You rveshsya your heart. I can only feel it and I can tell you: “do it ALI» or “do not do it.”
Sorry, but you can not choose. You still need to come to do it. It would be wise to skip all the intermediate potential developments:
ALI, try to live, starting with the last paragraph. This gives you some time. Time for us - that’s life. Treat yourself to. Do not waste on empty.
About this person in the photo … it is difficult to talk about it without condemning it. She grabs the easy solution, sacrificing his soul, the souls of strangers … The picture is:
She took a lie as part of their lives and come to terms with ney.Ona hides it not because it spares your heart, but because so it is necessary for its purposes. It is cold and deceitful. There is no confusion, characteristic for the Slavic worldview. In this situation on her face should be embarrassed smile and a bit of guilt. Do not. She looks like a doll with a bad person. I would not have bought this doll for my children.
She manipulates you by means of rough techniques. She admits the idea that your actions are driven solely testosterone levels in your blood. She thinks bad about people. It behaves like a cheap hooker, showing breasts at the camera. It is not the legendary complexity and modesty Russian woman who will soon leave than humiliate a loved one. I’m not arrogant, but did not let her in his house.
Among my acquaintances there is a woman with a complicated and complex nature of fate. But among them there is no moral freaks. This lady in the photo can not get into my circle of acquaintances. I deleted all the photos from the memory of my computer and from my life.
some one send me wish shear with friends, need Translate!!!!
I appreciate you sharing this blog post.Much thanks again. Fantastic.
Great post. Always keep more interesting publications. Been following your blog for 3 days now and I should say I am beginning to like your post. I need to know how do I subscribeto your blog?
@ daniel re : comment ” I just told him this AM, ‘Vanya, I cannot control you every minute and I dont want to; dude, if you stay out late again I am just going to calmly ring the police and say I am sorry, but I cannot control you, and you stay out all hours of the night as a 14 year old’
What a messed up household. It is what happens when there is NO RESPECT for the father and husband. Each person tries to become the dictator in the family. It is amazing. I work 9 hours a day to provide for them… and they complain and show no respect. I must be a really bad husband and father. I cannot even command respect in my own home. Terrible.”"”"
The term “dude” is a familiar relationship term used amongst peers, not from an authority figure
I would suggest particularly in view of the conflict to refer to your step son using given name only
Using youth american-street slang terms of endearment can only denigrate your sense authority as considered by a junior member of your family and definitely not helpful.
Also is curious the 14 yo seemingly happy to play baseball(?) with His parent in public as most teenagers would avoid at almost all costs being seen interacting with a parent albeit in even such a wholesome manner (the teenager peer cool behavior factor)
also i am just wondering , are you 2nd generation Australian born of Russian grand-parents?
Would explain a lot regarding obviously initial idealistic and then dashed expectations - although not explain all of your strange behavior in Russia - which must not have gone unnoticed
You are lucky not to have been picked up by the black maria mob and bundled onto the next Qantas flight out
Daniel,
I have read this with interest. I am going to offer some unsolicited advice/opinion. My hunch is that you are an extremely codependent person. It’s probably not possible for you to stand back and look at your posts objectively, but what you have described is cuckoo. I’m far more concerned about your behavior than your wife’s. Most of your posts start with how terrible things are, and of course you come off as reasonable and sympathetic, but really, you just play the victim card because somehow you are deriving value for this abuse that you put yourself through. Your anger isn’t at her, it’s at yourself for making decisions to stay in this relationship as long as you have. I suspect deep down you know it’s not healthy for you and want to pull the trigger, but at this point in your life, I think you are fundamentally dishonest with yourself and not able to really see it.
Most healthy people would not tolerate any of this. They wouldn’t have ever let it even get to this point. That’s ok, it’s not like you can’t get healthy again, you can, but it starts with being honest with yourself. This isn’t about your wife man, this is about you… stop putting the focus on all these external things and start doing some real soul searching. You probably need to be on your own for awhile and I would highly recommend finding a really good cognitive behavioral therapist…
thanks for the comment confuzzled; ha, ha, perhaps you are correct and I should concentrate on ME. I think the entire purpose of my posts was to complain TO SOMEBODY about the seriously bad nature of Russian women culture. And I feel trapped sometimes, because I agreed to marriage and I would never walk out… it is my job to be a husband in any environment. So you can read how distressed I can become.
Now if I was not a western guy (if I was a Russian guy) I would know about all this. Hence, I loved the premise of this blog… why dont Russian MEN marry THEM!
So, I cannot run. And I try to figure out what to do in this craziness. Heck, a week ago, the wife went nuts at the son… smashing and throwing stuff, so I went back to my old defence mechanism. I ran away. I just ran to the park and stayed for two hours, then I came home. Just a few things smashed and no humans damaged. So that was good. And normally I would have tried to intervene and stamp my authority… but, I can see that just does not work with a Russian family. Better for me to run away. So it means the horror time does not become too horror. And the other times are nice.
I dont really perceive an unhealthy flaw with my character. I am not a believer in the me-first society… where people divorce just ‘because’. If I had known what my future would be 8 years ago when I met my wife, I am pretty sure I would not have married. But I did marry. And you know, they say for better or worse. So I need to take some crazy worse stuff. But I still understand the better stuff is really worth while.
But my advice to any man thinking of marrying a Russian culture girl would simply be DO NOT DO IT. Well you can do it if you really, really understand what your wife can and will do… just because she is a ‘woman’ and being a woman, all is allowed in Russian culture. Russians are taught women are weak and cannot control themselves. Now it is (I am chauvanistic here) true that women really are not made to be leaders over men. So, the woman, knowing this, should respect and cherish her husband. But, unfortunately, when you overbalance the ‘I am woman, I can do whatever I want, as I am weak and not expected to control myself’ with the ‘know your place in the family’, then you get some really wild times.
Again, unless a guy really is willing to put up with this, he should stay clear of Russian culture women.
Now, I am willing (as painful as it is) to put up with it. For two reasons… ‘for better or worse’ (a promise) and because there really are some nice times to balance the craziness.
re being alone: after my first marriage (to a western woman) I sat in an apartmemt (and went to work only) for 13 years. What my western wife did to me was 100 times worse than anything since. I will not even type about it. So it took me 13 years to recover. So I know about being alone and soul searching.
But, back to your point, the one thing that is a bad flaw with me is that I let people (women) walk all over me. I mean it would be good if I found a dear, wonderful woman who did not take advantage of this. But, in my life I learn that a natural character of all women is to TRY TO TAKE AS MUCH AS THEY CAN FROM MEN. I had a woman take me aside years ago - in the midst of my complaints and say ‘women always ask men to do and give them things they KNOW the man should say NO’. If the man says NO the woman respects them as a man. If the man gives in then the woman TAKES, then asks for as much as she can get, does not respect the man, and when she has taken all she can (the man is left with nothing or finally says NO MORE), then she leaves him looking for her next victim, or with good luck, the man who says NO to her at the start and perhaps she has found a man who can control her.
It sounds odd what I write and very distasteful… but it is simply truth and experience and never really rebutted by anyone… but people just say ‘yes, of course, are you stupid Daniel, did you not know this!!!!!!!’
Hi Dan,
Listen - i write this to you simply because I relate so much with you. I’ve just pulled the trigger to divorce a woman I’ve been with for ten years. Our stories are very different but our
Motivations, behavior, high tolerance for pain is similar. Dude, it doesn’t matter I’d she’s from Russian or Cleveland, the culture part is a convenient smokescreen for you to hide behind to rationalize staying in a marriage that is bad for everyone involved. You can’t be yourself in this marriage. Also, you will NEVER change her man, EVER. I made Thousands of excuses why I had to stay in my marriage but the truth was I wasn’t truthful with myself. I’m sure you can be alone, what you do with that is another matter. You are riddled with power and control issues and neither of you accept each other exactly as you are.
If you want a quality life Dan, you will stop this charade of a marriage, (I had tons of great times with my wife too - doesn’t mean we should be married) ask yourself what you really want in life, realize that you need a good therapist to serve as an anchor so that your next
Relationship isn’t riddled with this stuff.
Just remember, at the end of the day, this is about you, not her.
Time to be good to Dave - water seeks it’s own level man… If you want a
Healthy mate, time for you to get healthy. You’re a
Nice guy but remember too that can be a cover for manipulation.
Good luck bro.
SH
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I suggest consult books by Elena Petrova , and apply concepts to your situation, to discover where you may have not made allowance for some expectations
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ps - maybe access this site at an anonymous internet cafe rather than at home, whereby there might be misunderstandings if discovered ….