A freak cooking accident - probably too much red wine in the bourguinon - resulted in a few cracked ribs. So. It’s been paracetamol rather than prose from me lately.

Obviously, any rib-crushing embraces with Soviet women have also been out of the question. Couldn’t even manage the typing position. But what better place to recuperate than on the Soviet Riviera!

To absolutely, positively, ensure recovery, I checked-in to all three of the former East Prussian sanatoria above Kaliningrad: Svetlogorsk (formerly Rauschen), Zelenogradsk, (formerly Crantz) and Pionerski - formerly Neukuhren, a fishing village and - newly - the site of Putin’s proposed retirement home.

You could call these Baltic resorts ‘unspoiled’ - that’s because Stalin did absolutely nothing with them since annexation in 1945. Today the towns are an odd mixture of faded Prussian glory and Soviet decay as well as burgeoning real estate interest. The vandalism of the Soviet era has given way to vulgarisation. All three towns are fast becoming Repro Prussian resorts, sort of Moscow Malibu beaches.

The Sanatorium In Svetlogorsk (Rauschen) is still open for a healing glass of spa water. Unlike many of the original buildings, this has so far escaped a movie-set makeover.

Below you can see an original Prussian villa in Svetlogorsk and one of the new Repro Prussian villas next door.

Zelenogradsk (Crantz) is probably best remembered the way it was, before the Red Army passed this way. The beach is said to contain more corpses than ice cream cones. The old hotels and pavillions are long gone.

For the time being, developers are working around Lenin. Zelenogradsk probably has the smallest Red Square in the Federation. This is an unusually cartoonish Lenin statue - maybe designed to portray Lenin in holiday mood? Most of Zelenogradsk is a scrap heap and Lenin’s tenure looks limited.

Pionerski has a promenade and a run-down army barracks. But it’s still a pretty village by an empty beach and ripe for development.

Park your car and walk to the beach. No pushing, rushing, crushing or even parking meters. With great foresight, the Moscow ‘Vika’ chain has opened a small cafe in this street.

Yes, the sky really is that blue. I took these pics only last week. I’ll write about each of these towns, in detail, in following posts.