I’m not talking Eurovision here, but Eurolines. As operated by the Lithuanian company, Kautra.

Boarding at Riga, our hostess announces the bus will stop every four hours. Well, that seems only humane. Riga to London is a long way. And I’d already bussed from St. Petersburg. But after 12 hours non-stop out of Kaunas, I realise I am going to need some heavy fantasy to go the distance.

I decided to imagine I was on a Green Tortoise - the buses that cross America. I’ve read good accounts of these trips. They stop in National Parks and you freshen up in mudpools. Someone breaks out the Tequila and all the passengers begin bonding and become lifelong Friends Of The Tortoise.

‘The philosophy of Green Tortoise - Arrive Inspired, Not Dog Tired - is to elevate the status and comfort of being on the road. Its buses have cushioned, wood-crafted benches, tables, and platforms. Also, the Tortoise’s open seating arrangement encourages the uninitiated to get acquainted rapidly. Last but not least, the Tortoise is also equipped with its own provisions and kitchen. Thus, most basic creature comforts are well tended on a Green Tortoise.’

But there’s no chance of bonding or even mudpools on Eurolines. After 14 hours we make a single twenty minute stop in Poland. There’s only one stop all the way across Germany too, making a grand total of 40 minutes break in 26 hours. Sadistically, we stop at lunchtime outside a pleasant rest-stop in Magdeburg. Just 20 minutes, however, affords only time to glance longingly at the food and welcoming tables.

Next up is a piece of Eurolines genius. They have a feature film on board to relax the passengers. It’s ‘Jeepers Creepers 2′ - a horror movie about people on a bus at the mercy of a scary alien. What a thoroughly appropriate choice. By now everyone is praying for an alien attack on the bus just so we can stop and have a smoke.

Eurolines On-Board Movie. We All Identify With This.

I mentioned before that not only backpackers take the bus. This bus has none at all. There are quite a few old people - one couple in their seventies. Quite a few kids. The rest are UK-based Eastern Europeans visiting relatives. Obviously backpackers are too smart to travel Eurolines.

In Holland, our Euroliner finally parks up again, but at what must be the only rest stop in Europe that’s closed. Unbelievable. ‘Never mind, we’ll be in Amsterdam soon’ says someone. Well, a lucky few stumble off there where they can be treated for cramp and spinal injuries. The rest of us get five minutes for the last numb legs of the journey.

Eurolines advertising slogan really should be, ‘Your Mileage May Vary’. I’ve had the odd good experience. But it’s a branding exercise on a very loose association of independent operators. Airline pilots have a nice phrase for passengers: ’self-loading freight‘. It appears to translate well into Lithuanian.

Finally. A Break At The Only Rest Stop In Europe That’s Closed