Call me cheap but I always take the budget route to Russia.

Booked well in advance, an Easy Jet from Stanstead UK to Tallinn is around 30 pounds and the Eurolines bus to St Petersburg just 15 pounds. (270 Estonian Krone.)

Actually, there’s a Eurolines bus from Tallinn to almost any old Soviet outpost. Random riders may want to toss a coin or follow a bit of skirt. It simply isn’t true that only backpackers take buses.

The downside of this route is that the day bus from Tallinn arrives in St Petersburg (Baltisky Station) at midnight, while the overnight snorer pulls in at 6 in the morning - neither particularly convenient times for meeting people or going out to dinner.

But really, does it matter whether you take the day or night bus. There’s nothing to see out of the windows all the way to St Petersburg. Russia is a completely urban society with only wasteland inbetween its identikit towns.

To be honest, there’s not a lot left to admire in Tallinn either. Euro aliens have turned the place into something with all the old world charm of Basildon shopping centre plus cobbles. Places that look like historic buildings from a distance turn out to be Irish Pubs. Shops that once sold Baltic sprats now sell non-edible knickers.

Old Estonian Folk Costume

I chose a bad time to change at Tallinn. President Bush is expected soon on NATO business and they’ve decided to do something about the pretty, puddly, pot-holed roads in honour of his visit. The last vestiges of Estonian culture are being steamrollered into euronymity.

On to St Petersburg and a couple of tips if you arrive on the early bus. Take a cab or, if you’re not carrying monster suitcases, the metro to Moskovsky Station -for the good reason that the cafes open earlier in the morning at Moskovsky than at Baltiskaya.

At Moskovsky you can have an early am, pizza snorita, leave your luggage safely and even get a luxe shower at the ‘Service Centre’ for 200 roubles - including soap, a shrink-wrapped dog-flea spec comb and a pair of veruka-resisting slip-ons.

After freshening up, wander along to The Moskovsky Pizzeria - main entrance, turn immediately left as you enter the concourse. It’s a garden furniture style self-serve where no one will bother you for hours and laptop users can discreetly steal recharge juice from the plentiful wall sockets. (Count about 180 roubles for a pizza portion, coffee and one glass of heart-starter wine.)

For a Wi-Fi salon, however, you’ll have to leg it up Nevsky Prospekt to the Cafe Rouge. (Nevsky 53). You can pick up three networks at Moskovsky but Russians are sneaky bastards and these are all encrypted. Only an expensive admission to the Moskovsky VIP lounge will get you logged on.

A bit further up from the Cafe Rouge, on the opposite side of Nevsky Prospekt, are the offices of ‘Russian Holiday’. (Number 60, third floor.) These obliging English-speakers will register your visa in a couple of hours, no questions asked. For the right kind of money, they’d stamp a brown paper bag.

While living here on Novgorod’s Perimeter Road, I’m officially registered at St Petersburg’s Viktoria Hotel, a place I’ve never seen in my whole life.