Faced with the problem of a sharply declining population, Mother Russia recently launched a repatriation scheme to entice expats back to the womb. It includes monetary and re-settlement assistance. And a Kremlin spokesperson hinted that the scheme could extend to Russophiles.

Since I was going to live in Russia for a while, I thought I’d check it out. Monetary assistance sounded better than paying for a visa. But I got the distinct impression my age and my vasectomy would disqualify me. ‘They want people to come back and breed, not just make up the numbers’ - was how it was explained to me.

So how do you get Russians to breed?

In May, Mr Putin announced incentive benefits for new mothers: cash on delivery and 3000 roubles a month. But Yulia Latynina says it won’t work. She writes: In Czechoslovakia they tried this in the 1970s and the main beneficiaries were Gypsy women, who gave birth to seven to ten children.

The entertaining Mr Zhirinovsky’s initiative - and he got in well before Putin on this issue - was to re-introduce polygamy. Russian men should be allowed three wives. But the Duma didn’t go for it.

Perhaps the population decline is due to Russians missing the scary days of Stalin. According to the New Scientist magazine, a real turn on for a couple is to experience fear together. Quote:

`There’s a strong connection between anxiety, arousal and attraction. In the “Shaky Bridge Study” carried out by psychologists Arthur Aron and Don Dutton in the 1970s, men who met a woman on a high, rickety bridge found the encounter sexier and more romantic than those who met her on a low, stable one.’

This would certainly account for the birth-rate plummeting in St Petersburg, which had all those formerly dangerous bridges restored for the anniversary celebration.

So maybe it’s time to take a tip from history. Faced with the same problem, Mussolini once organised a prolific mothers contest and gave them all medals. In the same way, all Russian mothers could become heroines of the State and enjoy a little Soviet nostalgia too.

Someone should design a nice red and gold enamel lapel badge.